Friday, 8 September 2017

The fisherman and his clam **uncensored**

So your probably wondering about the title of this blog?
Well let me explain...

I was led in bed last night, I was literally on the edge of falling asleep, I was extremely comfortable and I felt so relaxed.
It all changed when my beloved had walked into the room, what possibly could he want? But it was no where near what I was expecting...

He asked:
What would you like, the dog or the pig?

So I politely replied with:
What the he'll are you talking about

To which he replied:
I am going to give you both

He then started to bark like a dog and then decided to start biting down my back. Then I guess this was the pig as he started to snuffle and grunt down my back whilst pressing his nose up against it. (Motor boating my back)
At this point I was seriously contemplating whether I was dreaming or that the fool was genuinely trying to be seductive. But sadly for me, it continued...
And it was the 3rd theme he wanted to a whole new LEVEL!

He asked me whether or not i' d like to meet the Australian Fisherman?

Do I want to meet What? A Fisherman? A flipping Australian Fisherman? Due to my interest in what on earth would come next, I responded with a Yes.. (I would now of taken it back)
"Eyyy Goooodaayyyy mateee, I am on a quest to find the sticky clam, there are talks of it being the biggest"
Me thinking, he better not be talking about my vagina! He isn't doing anything to me f****ing huge clam! But it continues...

"Ahhh, eyyyy I've found the clam with my spear, now to kill It"
"Eyyyy mate, this clam is the most valuable of all, I cannot wait to take it home and eating It"

With much effort of tweaking, he couldn't quite find the 'clam'. His response was...

"Eyyyy I don't think I have chosen the right weapon of choice. The spear isn't long enough, it won't reach"
Give me strength! Was this some sort of sadistic seduction?

So I said enough of this, if you'd like to have sex with me then you can make love to me. Now really, someone give me strength.. he answered with...
"Eeeyyyy, it looks like the clam is closing on me, I better act fast. Call the coast guard. We are going to be back to shore in no time eyyy mate"

Safe to say we were! And I can finally think he has finished using my vagina as a f*****ing hunting ground! To then leave it with...
" Until next time clam, until next time"

So you know when you lie there in bed thinking what has just happened? Normally as your astonished with the amazing performance you man has acted upon you. Not me. No. I was fearing for my sanity.. astonished by the fact that be stayed in character the whole time. With quite an impressive Australian accent. Bless him for trying.
It's safe to say I do not think I will ever look at a fisherman or a clam the same ever again. I don't think I'd ever cope mentally meeting an Australian Fisherman.
Many thanks, until next time...

Thursday, 7 September 2017

What really goes through a womans mind

What do women want?
What do we need? Or at least think we need?
Do we actually need everything that we want? I think that is the question that every woman can actually admit to themselves that they don't.
Do we want drama in our lives? Do we enjoy that drama?
I can definitely say that I want happiness. I couldn't sit here and hand on my heart say that I don't like drama.
What do I want from a man?
Commitment, love and understanding. And I have everything but the understanding but that is a subject in progress. Very slow progress.
I have commitment but like every woman, the commitment given is not enough?
Sadly I cannot give you a direct answer but all I can say is that you need to let go of things that cause yourself to get unhappy as a woman, as well as redirecting thoughts that you know will cause and bring negative drama to your life. We all need a little drama in our lives. We are women after all! But positive drama has a much better impact on our lives.
Why can we just not stay happy? (Which is another question I've been asked)
Well because we are jam packed with God knows how many hormones! It's not physically possible! Even happy women have bad moments at certain times of the month. It is a chemical imbalance of the brain that we get the blame for all the time due to being f***ing female!
Why are we so hard to understand?
Well similar to the above description, we are naturally emotional and more sensitive people. I believe anyhow. We give compassion in situations that we don't even have to. We over think in ways men will never understand. Yet we battle with that over thinking to disable it, to that it causes more bloody over thinking! We cannot win!
Then that leads me to why we over think thing?
Now this is hard, part of my brain (due to being slightly annoyed with the male species led next to me) wants to say that due to the lack of brain capacity men are just not capable of thinking at all and then are only able to think the completely irrelevant shit! But that isn't fair now really, I guess I can't say that. We strive as women to use our brain and maternal instincts to want to change things for the better. And in our heads (well most) we do actually try to do/say things for the better. And that is the honest truth.
But men aren't happy with these answers? Why? I can only guess that they are either intimidated that we can multitask mentally or the fact they are just simply not willing to give enough f***s. Some men will accept the fact that all women have similar traits. Why you ask? Because we are all f****ing women. We are the same species and don't get me wrong, even men and women have the odd percentage that all of this doesn't apply to but for many it does.
But just face it and get your fingers out of you a holes! We care. We want what's best for everyone. Stop doubting us.
Many thanks, until next time..

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Uplifting and encouragement all

Hey guys!

I hope you are all well. I am in such a good mood. I love everybody and everything. My baby has got over her virus, I have cooked my man a beautiful dinner and made sure the house was clean. It's a good day!

I just want to spread the live and joy I'm feeling and to explain to you all that you are all such beautiful, amazing people that are capable of everything. And as cliche as that sounds, you honestly can.

I've had it all, depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, break downs and everything else that comes with it. I've been broken and shattered into a million pieces but what is important is too keep going. And if you can keep going through all of this on top of life itself then you are truly a heroic being.

But then there is more to life than making yourself better and I feel this is where some people struggle, consistently keeping hold of the positivity that life can bring.

I go back to the basics in life:

  1. Do I have shelter over my head?
  2. Do I have food to eat?
  3. Do I have a house to tidy to make into my home? 
  4. Do I have a beautiful child that overpowers love itself? 
Yes. I bloody well do. And for that I am so grateful in life.

Life is an over dramatic journey that we all share. But the craze for this lavish lifestyle, having the next best thing, the best shoes, the best beauty products, the best stroller for you to push your baby around in or to simply want things you don't need or have. Where does that leave you in life? Craving something you don't have and destroying yourself because you don't! Not enjoying anything, just wishing and hoping that one day you may get it.

And then that leads me to people and their self esteem. Many women and men find themselves unattractive, and they will constantly tell themselves that and some don't have the reassurance of a loved one to make them feel any better. The truth behind it is inside of You!
If your friend said to you she felt ugly, what would your response be? Because i know mine would be "don't be so hard on yourself, your beautiful inside and out". So why can't we do that to ourselves? Bring ourselves up? Make funny faces in the mirror? Play with your belly rolls, remind yourself that you are only human.

Life is more than looking in the mirror wishing you were more like that person or like this person. You are you. Go look at yourself and smile, stand/sit and just look at yourself and embrace every inch of it. For the love you have within yourself will shine through to the rest of the world that is blessed with your presence!!!

Where there's a will, there is a way!

I promise you that. And If you ever feel like you are in that time of need for someone to talk to, I am always here. I have a Facebook page- the relatable blogger. I will always respond.

Many thanks and until next time


Monday, 4 September 2017

The unpleasured woman pt.2 **uncensored**

To continue my last blog of the plum jam situation, I am going to be writing more about the struggles a woman can have in the bedroom. Which to some people may come as a surprise! 

Have men forgot the term of ladies first? 
Do men forget who cooks them dinner every night and makes their lunch for work? Or who cleans the house ready for his return from a hard day's work? 

And for all this we don't even get what we need in the bedroom?
Or as my beloved counts as 'deserved'.

We want sex too! Women want sex too. And this is a twist, as there can also be a struggle to engage in sex with your man. Rather than the stereotypical man pestoring a woman for sex all the time. 

In a relationship you'd think, if you were in the mood that sex would just come naturally with your loved one. No. Not for some. 

I've tried walking through the living room naked, bending over in front of him. There has been a time I've swung my breasts around to reinact the male 'helicopter'. But nothing. No acknowledgement. Nadda! 

It can't all be on men's terms. When you want it we surrender ourselves to give you what you want in the time you want it. For what? 5-10 minutes of fame? More if your lucky! 

Is it worth it? Really. What about when I walk up to my beloved and want the same thing, from crotch grabbing to seductively (I'm not the best) kissing him, no response. I get, I'm tired. I've had a hard day. And I am not doubting that, but when he wants it, it seems as if he has taken viagra and a shot of vodka. And wants it there and then. But after the effort we put in to be the perfect stereotypical house wife without being aloud to make any mistakes, we deserve a fuck! 

Love making? Gosh now that sounds like a fairytale. It has got to the point now where we'd just like to have a good old fashioned bang. 

But with f****ing effort! Even half effort is better than none.  Making sure we are completely satisfied before you 'finish' the session when you feel needed. 

Is that too much to ask. 
Like I say, there are woman out there that dislike sex and that poor man is in the same shoes. Yet here we are. Stuck with a man that won't have sex with you until he feels like it. And nothing you can do will change that! 

How can we change this? How can we show our men what their missing? 

I will continue this with what I'm hoping to be a solution. 

Many thanks, until next time..


Thursday, 31 August 2017

An unpleasured woman. **Unscensored**

Well here's a story of a temporarily unsatisfied woman with a man more interested in sodding plum jam. And your probably wondering how plum jam comes into the equation? Well..

A beautiful afternoon, my man greeted me from a long hard day at work. We had giggles and laughter, it was very lovely. He then decided to join me in bed earlier than his usual time, then to my surprise ended up in us having sex. But it didn't go quite how I was expecting.

We were having sex, I got on top to only realise that he would be led still underneath me, personally it didn't seem like he was paying much attention there for I changed position into one I thought he'd prefer. It was all well and good until he stopped. Why did he stop you ask?

Well I thought when he mentioned having a cigarette, he meant that we would smoke and then resume our evening of fun. Only to understand the true fact he had already "finished" due to....
Wait for it...
F***ing CRAMP. In his toe. He explained that he was put in a bad position mentally to work out the best option, to continue with cramp in his toe, or to finish so he can move to relieve the cramp. Not to just think I'll move into a more comfortable situation.

So as you can imagine, I was left unsatisfied. But I thought once we had come back from smoking He would "relieve" my needs. But no, he got his iPad out, to Google jam, f***ing plum jam. Why?? Only God knows bloody why he decided whilst knowing I needed a hand to Google f****ing plum jam.

So to say the least I was frustrated. More than ever. Then again, to my surprise, he then decided to take his iPad into the living room to continue his search for the perfect plum jam recipe that he would never use.

So there I was in bed, frustrated. I did get annoyed. I was very annoyed in fact. It did result in an argument to which he demoted me to a lodger and no longer to be his partner.

If you have a man that isn't one to actually care about your needs sexually and can happily point you in the direction of a vibrator in order to "finish yourself off" then you are not the only one. I can relate to this. Fully.

The question your probably thinking is
.. did he make the jam?

No... no he did not. He never spoke about it again. And for good reasons.

Many thanks
 Until next time

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

The rollercoaster we call Birth!

Birth! the beginning of a new life and journey. This is a personal insight to my birth. Any questions that anyone has, comment and I will reply to the best of my ability.

I'm not going to be blogging with the lists of 1000 items you really don't need to have a baby. But focus on only the neccesaties and things that I found easier during the birth of my daughter. Also to share my thought process which has enabled me to be so relaxed and truly embrace motherhood.

  •  Don't have your heart set on a birth plan. We all know how the world works, and it doesn't always go in our favour. Having an open mind about birth is (in my eyes) the safest way of seeing it, for your sanity that is. Be prepared, you may give birth naturally and sail through it or it can turn into what I experienced of a 5 day labour ending in a C-section, which might I add, I absolutely loved. Call me crazy I know! But it's about mindfulness. I will not lie to you and tell you it didn't hurt in fact it hurt more than catching your leg whilst shaving (let's put it that way) but I will explain that every minute of my labour I loved. I embraced the fact that I spent days anticipating whether I'll be meeting my girl that day or not.

  • Don't be afraid to ask for pain relief! There got to a point where my mood started to drop and I was getting tired. A 5 day long labour finally took it's toll on me, I admitted defeat and caved in to pain relief. Which in all fairness was the best idea I had made. It enabled me to just lie there, and again go back to enjoying my labour, with 36 hours sleep deprivation! Still going strong.

  • Now, if your as unorganized as I am, make sure you have plenty of maternity pads and believe you me, there will never be a time you have too many! I cut them in half and used them as nipple pads as the ones I'd bought didn't hold the mass quantity of milk I had saved in there (I could have made enough milk to compete with 20 cows). Regardless of how you give Birth, you will bleed. 

  • 5am i was finally offered a caesarian!!! I could have cried. So many really strange things went through my head that never appealed to me during labour; what if she doesn't love me? What if she doesn't look as cute as I imagined? What if I die? What if my partner does not love her?. It was all very strange. But off I went, I had been topped up with the epidural. I was about to meet my little girl! My partner waited outside as he would have been more of a pain coming in due to the fact he does not handle situations very well. They took me into a large room, with around 7-10 people in it which you don't even pay attention to. And I'm not going to lie, it feels like your belly has turned into a washing machine, I found it more fascinating trying to work out what they were doing! If feels like it's over and done within seconds. But apparently it takes quite some time longer than that. Then wal la my beautiful slightly blue (yes they can come out blue) baby was held into the sky and pronounced to me all well and healthy. 

  • Now is the fun bit, honestly. It really is great! You have your beautiful baby to stare at, on the outside. It all feels very surreal. Don't freak out, it is normal not to have any idea what your doing. When it is your own it all seems new regardless to how many babies you've looked after. 

  • Advice for caesarian mothers-to-be, take a hot water bottle. It enabled me to to lie on my side after birth. But it does ache regardless of it but it does hurt at lot less. Obviously do not put it on over just your clothes, wrap it up with many layers as you have to remember you've got a pretty nice sized wound. The pain doesn't last, it feels like it will, I get that but I promise it does. Just remember, stand straight, it feels impossible, you quite literally feel like it's a no go zone but push past that. It works and helps with pain! 

  • Last couple of things. I had my baby and thought I had everything but realised that I didn't buy the most important factor, a car seat. My partner ha to run and get one I found on gum tree the day we were due home! The idiot I was. Completely oblivious. 

  • Enjoy your baby. It goes fast, but enjoy every day. Don't rush them to hit milestones as you miss it when they didn't roll around like crazy lol

  • Your now a mummy. You can do anything. I promise you. 

Many thanks for reading. Until next time...


Monday, 28 August 2017

It's just not me, it's not my thing

A holiday, just you and your partner, baby free! Sounds perfect right? A few days break from motherhood. Which YES is normal to crave sometimes. some special time to build up a connection with the man you wish to fall in love with again!

Well, make sure you don't take him to anywhere that's just "not his thing" and blimey, that doesn't leave a lot of room for ideas.

We visited A lovely chapel, southwest of Wales! Absolutely stunning. He enjoyed That, very much so. But when we started the coastal walk, with what seemed a man that doesn't realise there's a big drop beside him, it turns a bit sour. As he seemed very interested in looking over the edge in order to freak me out more.

But other than That, it was hard getting it right. Finding the happy medium in trying to please both of us in order to make it a beautiful and romantic get away together.

What is his thing? This this he keeps on about. Everything that I'm suggesting is just "not his thing". As a woman, it is hard sometimes to just not care and enjoy it yourself, you want your man beside you smiling and enjoying himself with you. A man that will be greatly that you've had this big getaway arranged for him and you to find this spark to ignite the flame once more.

But even That, that gratitude, respect and loyalty to this, is just "not his thing"

If someone knows something I don't here, please do let me in on It!

The obvious thing is to be selfish. Do you! Do things that make YOU happy and excited. And come to the harsh realisation that it's just you.

I hope I'm not the only one and this is a relatable situation.

Many thanks for reading. Until next time..


The fisherman and his clam **uncensored**

So your probably wondering about the title of this blog? Well let me explain... I was led in bed last night, I was literally o...